Just No

How do I even share with you the heartbreak that has been the last year?

Not just the overwhelming chaos. The troubling thoughts, the racing conversations rolling around in my head, the worry.

The feelings of emptiness and fullness all at the same time.

As parents, we dream of our child’s first everything! We envision their lives and what they will be like.

Then, as their personality shows, we change the outcomes, but the dream stays. It’s about seeing them as an adult, going to college, becoming a spouse, and possibly a parent.

We don’t envision the darkness, damage, hurt, pain, and trauma they could face. We don’t think about it because it isn’t real.

Until it is.

Until one day something happens, something is said or done that changes everything.

After multiple surgeries and many other family issues, my daughter struggled more than any child should.

You may feel I’m being cryptic; that is because some things are just private. But the feeling for me as a mom is still there.

I saw her wrestle with thoughts and feelings that nothing I did or said seemed to help. I had to hold on to all that I had, to fight for her, to get help. I begged for it, and thank God I did.

The flash of fear, worry, and pure pulsating breath was the most unbearable thing I have ever been through.

Long hours at the ER, fine. Days, weeks, at the hospital, ok. Months and years of all the therapies and doctors, ok, got it!

But this? This is just a no! This heart was not going to stand by and do nothing.

Recently, there was a moment when I thought we might be revisiting that place, but thankfully, with the help we received before, it never came.

My fear was just that fear, and I refuse to live in fear.

Both my daughter and I are happy and feeling good about life again.

So anything that brings up that fear again is just a no.